Today, I have Flashdanced in a hurricane. Every time I see a sign with this saying on it, I sort of giggle. Seriously? With my luck, if I chose to go out and dance in the rain, I'd beat the odds and get zapped into a crispy critter by a rouge lightening bolt! It's days like today that confirm my suspicions that God has an incredible sense of humor. His humor is evidenced in so many ways but sometimes, I just feel like I'm His personal court jester. (I don't mean that to be irreverent). Have you ever seen an alpaca? Have you ever seen a manatee? Have you seen my next door neighbor? Oops. Just kidding - maybe. But, all of those things just make me giggle and offer proof that God had some fun on the sixth day when we was making the animals. I think that He probably snorted out loud as He formed me in my mother's womb. Ewww... ok. Let's not go down that road. Anyway, like I said. I know He has a sense of humor.
The only things on today's agenda revolved around medical facilities. I figured that I'd start Spring break off with a bang and schedule my own appointment for 8:00 a.m. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It's not that I like to sleep late... I have my own personal living alarm clock with bowels that are like one of those fancy clocks that you never have to wind. By 7:15 every morning, Thing 3 yells, "Mama! I pooped! Come wipe me!" There are mornings when I continue to lay there under the covers and wonder what sort of damage she'd do if I told her to do it herself. Heck. How do you even teach a kid to wipe their butt? I never did that before. Eric taught Grant how to do that Duck Dynasty style, most likely, with leaves and grass. Geez. I'm chasing squirrels. Anywho... my point was simply that I had to get myself to the doctor's office this morning for a routine physical, EKG, and an ECHO cardiogram. Can you say F U N? Suprisingly, I made it back home by 9:15! The nurses' effeiceny definitely put a smile on my face!
The next things on the check list for the day were well-check appointments for the girls. I just schedule them together and get it over with. Now, the odd thing about my kids is that they rarely get sick enough to warrant a doctor's visit. Usually, a good strong dose of NyQuil, Benadryl, or honey will fix what ails them. (I'm not a fan of prescription meds AT ALL). So, I managed to get both girls to their appointment by 10:00. I'd done the research and knew that Annie would need four shots. Yes. I said F O U R. Dasha needed another polio vaccine since she was behind on that when we adopted her and there's been lag time ever since. But, Dasha is the medical trooper and has a warped sense of pain so I wasn't too worried about her.
Once the poor unsuspecting nurse had corralled us in a room, she handed Dasha a "private" checklist which she was to complete without my help. Ok. I get it. She's 15. She's supposed to have things that are private which she doesn't want me to know about. Whatever. I'm the mom. Bring it on. I didn't look over her shoulder but I did get a little worried when she asked me what it meant to be "down" and what "steroids" were. At that point, I might have given the nurse a snarky look that should have been interrupted, "See! I told you that wasn't a good idea!" Then, the nurse took Dasha's blood pressure without any issues. Then came Annie. With the first cuff, Annie's BP registered something like 118 over something. I didn't even see the bottom number. I kept telling Annie that the cuff was just hugging her arm. I believe that her eyes were really saying to me, "Shut up, you liar! This thing is going to snap my arm off!" Anyway, they took her BP three more times. One time with her in my lap. Once while I read to her. And the final time, the nurse was singing "I'm a Little Teapot" to her. The numbers finally fell into the "normal" region. Ok. Hurdle one completed. Then, the doctor came in. He started with Dasha and reviewed the mysterious "check list" with her. He looked at me with concern and then sort of sighed. I don't think I'll even begin to tell you what was going through my head at that point. I figured Dasha had ratted me out for one of my many parenting fumbles. But, he surprised me and said, "You checked here that you've thought about hurting yourself before. Do you think about that much?" Dasha quickly told him that she thought about it all the time, especially when her hair was very tangley and she had to keep brushing it even though it hurt. Ha! At that point, my little inner voice was laughing hysterically and thinking, "You stupid head! You're the one that made her fill it out!" Afterwards, he put the sheet down. Then he continued on with the physical examination. Maybe I shouldn't even record this but it just evidences Dasha's ignorance of the ways of the world. As he checked out her chest, she started laughing hysterically and squealing that it tickled. It was the over-the-top sort of laughter. I wanted to crawl under the table. She has no idea that you're supposed to sit there with a mortified look on your face and not breathe like you do with one of those overly personal sort of exams. Like I said, it just shows how naive she is. With that whole scene over with, Dasha started putting herself back together again and then it was Annie's turn.
I purposely had Dasha's exam first so Annie could watch. (In retrospect, maybe not my most brilliant move). Annie hadn't had an exam since she was two. We skipped the three year old visit because there weren't any immunizations. Maybe that's bad but I'm simply not into paying a doctor to put a check mark on a paper saying that he'd seen us that year. Anyway, Annie did just fine with the exam and started warming up to the doctor and being silly. However, just as she warmed up, he lowered the bomb about the shots. Ok. Yeah. I knew it was coming but, somehow, I had managed to dig my head deep enough into the sand to forget about it.
The nurse came back in with her little tray of shots. Four for Annie and one for Dasha. I'm ok with medical stuff but not medical smells. I still have to focus on breathing if a doctor's office smells too much like the antiseptic hand soap. I guess the smell just takes me back to Ansley's hospital stays. Anyway, I asked the poor nurse, who'd obviously drawn the short straw and been assigned to us, how she preferred to do the shots. She had me hang Annie's legs over the edge. My job was to pin Annie down and keep her torso, arms, and hands still. OK. Yeah. I'm not an expert but I did have to hold her down for her earlier immunizations so I was ok playing human straight jacket. I assumed the position the nurse started rapid fire shots. At some point, I do remember something grazing my arm but my focus was on restraining the victim not on my arm. When I finally pulled Annie up, the nurse started panicking and dragging me toward the sink. What the heck? Her silent actions made my start assessing Annie to see what the problem was. What was the problem? Then, I realized that the blood that was dripping on the floor was my own. In the struggle to hold Annie down, somehow, the poor nurse, drug the point of the need down the vajiggle jaggle (Honey Boo Boo language) side of my arm (aka - the floppy part of the back of your arm that continues to wave long after you've stopped giving the Miss America wave). She held gauze on me while calling another nurse. Crap. It didn't hurt. How much of my arm did she take out? Finally, after the poor nurse did some additional paperwork and slapped Band-Aids on me, she sent us on to the lab to get Dasha's lab work. Did I mention that Annie was still screaming like she had thorns in her bloomers? Ok. I'll admit that was throughly addled by this time, too, and just wanted to escape. While Annie stood screaming that she didn't want them to get her again, Dasha had her blood drawn and we finally left.
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| Kind of deep but just a minor flesh wound which will yield more character! |
So, I drugged the chicken nugget with some Motrin because she was alternating between asking for more covers and stripping down to her birthday suit and saying that her turkey thighs hurt like they were on fire. She went back to watching Barbie video #325 and I continued to be productive.
Suddenly, I heard something crash. I went to investigate only to find that my one big completed organization project for this week had just unorganized itself.
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| BEFORE |
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| AFTER |
Yep. Just keep dancing. In Finding Nemo, Dory sang, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." At that moment, I was using the same tune to sing, "Just keep dancing, just keep dancing..." Ugh. I also had visions of having the president of the 3M Command Strip company delivered to my door like Eddie delivers Clark Griswold's boss to him with a bow on his head. Oh well. All two million naked Barbies started out on the floor and, quite simply, that's where they'll be for a while again. Barbie and her cohorts can just pretend like they've just experienced the world's worst landslide and they're stuck and waiting for GI Ken to come and rescue them. Hey, ladies! Don't hold your breath!
So, as I wrap up my day of Flashdancing through a hurricane, I can say that I'm closing the day knowing that He is smiling at the antics of my day knowing that He had me at hello and I'm still hanging on!
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance
Ecclesiastes 3:4
Good night, all.
Maybe I should have done the Harlem Shake instead of Flashdancing. I guess I'm dating myself!
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