In less than two weeks...

I'm not even sure where to begin at this point. There are parts of me that seem to be in complete shock at the thought of being married in less than two weeks. Other parts of me are beginning to understand what the term Bridezilla really means! Wow! Here's the picture book recap of the last week and a half, though.

She "helped" mail the invitations by putting them into the box ONE at a time (insert Jeopardy music).

I wish I understood the world of a four year old monkey. Maybe I'd appreciate her abilities to climb in a more profound way.

My attempt at making wedding cupcakes with part of the Four Musketeers. We shall see how this pans out!

Field trip to the chapel to take some measurements and stand in awe (while waiting for Ray to make a run for it)!

And... we're back to the four year old monkey.

Grant headed off to scout camp for the week. I was terrified when I realized that I never even checked to see what he'd packed! Oops! I guess I came to grips with simply calling it a learning experience mixed with real world consequences if he'd forgotten something.

The camp was absolutely beautiful despite there being over 900 boys there! Yikes! Grant had a blast and Papa survived, as well. The closing ceremony left me with that odd Homer Simpson "DOH" face. Boy humor simply stumps me.

While Grant was away, Ray executed his Monk-like mathematical skills to build the girls Polly Pocket and LEGO Friends houses out of foam core. At about the third hour, I decided that reminding him that Polly wouldn't care if the load bearing wall wasn't exactly perpendicular to the other walls was pointless. He gets an A+ for patience and trying to incorporates each girl's requests into the houses, though!

While packing Grant's care package for camp, we decided that it would be a great idea to make marshmallow shooters to send to him. (We could have made 10 guns for the price it would have cost to buy one)!

The girls got involved and turned out to be pretty good marksmen! Note to others undertaking this task - Do not use fresh marshmallows! They stick to anything and everything! Stale puffs might hurt more when they smack you in the face but the clean up is much easier!

When Grant returned from camp, he quickly found the extra PVC pipe and started constructing weapons of mass destruction.

Just because she's wearing a girly Strawberry Shortcake costume doesn't mean that she can't shoot your eye out!

Ray bought Dasha a special necklace for their dance with the FOCUS group (special needs kids).

A game of Blackjack quickly morphed into Go Fish when Annie crashed the party - literally!

I know I'm keeping everything pretty surface level right now. Why? Well... I've been in overdrive now for a couple of weeks and I just haven't had time to get everything sorted into neat little boxes which can be opened one at a time and presented for public viewing. Right now, the floor of my brain looks sort of like Annie's bedroom floor. While the Barbies are generally contained to one corner of the room and the LEGOS are contained to another (to keep our feet safe), to an outsider, it would look like a tornado went through. There have been a few boxes that I found it imperative to sort through, though, before I could move ahead. Here those boxes are in no particular order...

Box #1 - Control    There were tons of things in this box that I had to sort out. Basically, this box originated when I realized that I did not think it meant what I thought it meant. Oh, wait. That's Princess Bride. Hmmm.... Obviously, that got into the wrong box. See? I'm still uncomfortable with this so I'm trying desperately to make a joke out of it. Anyway, I can easily admit to being a control freak. If I can't be in control, I want to take my ball and go home. I can let others be in control but only if I deem them sane and competent. Over the last three years, my control freakism has sort of spiraled out of control. (Can your control issues actually spiral out of control)? From micromanaging the house, the finances, and even the kids, to cutting off trust with others, it all sort of walled me in socially and emotionally. I had to come to a point where I could let go. I didn't have any question that He had my back, but it was those earthly sort of creatures that I had the hard time with. Little by little, I've had to reset my own expectations of myself and others so that there was room for grace to sweep in. Are people going to do stupid things to lose my trust and make me scramble for control again? Absolutely! I'm beating around the bush. Let's just put this out in black and white. The issue is control in a relationship and more specifically, in a marriage. My safety net has been the ability to maintain control. If I'm in control, I can protect myself from hurt and disappointment a whole lot easier. However, I'm also missing out on a lot of blessings, as well, with this mentality. Ray is quite aware of this struggle and routinely reminds me that he will continue to stand beside me (not in front of me or behind me) and will work through this with me. Marriage doesn't mean that I'm losing control (ok, this wedding planning might just push me over the edge into that category, though). It means that I have someone to share the control with. Someone I can lean into without fear of being disappointed (or left). OK. Well, that was more real that I had really intended to put out for public viewing but, I guess you need to know what's really rattling around in this box.

Box #2 - Dreams   This box was really tattered and torn. All of the dreams that I'd had for my own life and the kids' lives sort of dissipated after the divorce. There wasn't a whole lot of room for the frivolity of dreams. Life became nothing more than an act of survival. Things I'd always dreamed of doing with the kids vaporized due to limitations on my time and finances. Things I'd always dreamed of doing "when I grew up" became nothing more than ghostly whispers that taunted me in those moments of desperation. Over the last few months, I've suddenly realized that those tattered, torn, and dim dreams which I'd filed away in box #2 were actually beginning to rekindle. Simply having the energy to dream and "what if" is exhilarating. Even if some of the things filed in this box are simply pipe-dreams, they are still dreams.

Box #3 - Independence   This box was stacked directly on top of box #1. Over the last three years, I've become quite independent. The thought of marriage terrified me. Would I lose that independence? The idea of marriage was great, but the reality... crap. That scared me. Honestly? It still scares me a bit at times. I like control and with that control, I like my independence. Until three years ago, I didn't even know how to pay the bills or run a household. Now... ha! I'm not crazy enough to say that I have it mastered! I still routinely find myself up to my knees in quick sand. However, I can now identify the quick sand and know how to call for help. While the contents of this box have been nicely organized now, I'm pretty sure we may have to revisit the contents a few time to reorganize and examine things.

Box #4 - Trust   Ok. This box was overflowing. I did NOT want to clean this box out. It was full of hurt, disappointment, and stinkin' thinkin'. For those who've followed me on this journey, you can read between the lines here. Box 4 is about the size of a refrigerator box and will take lots of time to sort through. Ray is quite aware of this box, as well, though. In fact, when he purposed, he promised to spend the rest of our lives together proving to me that I can trust him in every area. (Ok, he's a man. I know he's going to do something ridiculous at some point, but nothing that would ever cause the same sort of trauma that was inflicted before). Like I said, this box is sort of still in a construction zone. However, we have a blueprint regarding what's in the box, and the Engineer has given us some drawings showing what the end product should like. We're going to keep working toward that goal.

That seriously sucked the last energy right out of me. Between the details of finishing up the wedding planning to bumping into these boxes every now and then, I'm ready for a vacation. Two weeks from now, I'll have one! I'm getting married. In two weeks, I'll be Mrs. Raymond Rudd. That still sounds so strange to me. I look back to that point of sitting in court in Canton and listening to lawyer after lawyer disintegrating and dissolving marriages. I clearly remember trying to reason with God and pleading for understanding. I got neither. What I did get a few days later was an incredible peace that He was in control and that I needed to turn the page and start a new chapter. Since that time, I've turned the page a couple of times and written a couple of chapters. It's time to turn the page again. However, as I start this chapter, I'll be starting it with an absolute gift from God (in addition to the three that were already present and accounted for). A man with more patience than I could ever have. Someone who interacts with the kids in a way which doesn't make them feel as if he's trying to take their Daddy's place but who will get involved and get his hands dirty in the day to day business of raising them. A man who is willing to put up with the bumps and bruises that this journey has left me (and the kids) with and who has pledged to help heal those bumps and bruises, not to simply cover them up, but to heal them with time and tender devotion. And, above all, a man who has a very personal knowledge of the One who is leading us and seeks His will in all that he does. (Truth? I also LOVE the fact that he can act absolutely ridiculous and lead a fry throwing contest, construct marshmallow shooters, dance shoeless in the kitchen, is way smarter than a 5th graders, and is content with very little). Yeah, I know that life isn't going to be all about unicorns, cotton candy, and fluffy bunnies who poop Skittles. But, whether it's bunnies pooping Skittles or Annie calling for someone to wipe her poop, I'm starting the next chapter. Ready or not, here we come! (Um, that was weird. I sort of started hearing the Laverne and Shirley theme song! Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We're gonna do it! Give us any chance, we'll take it... It's time to go to bed for sure, now)!

A family is a place where principles are hammered 

and honed on the anvil of everyday living. 

~ Chuck Swindoll

Good night, all.