Duct Tape Bras (or lack of) and My Senses

Ok. Let's face it. Along the way, I've had some pretty scary run ins with undergarments. Remember my dislike of Spanx? Click here for the story...  Well, this whole wedding dress drama has brought that hatred to the forefront. Let me start at the beginning. I ordered my dress from China. Yes, China. I picked the style online, sent them a few measurements, and then waited for weeks for the dress to arrive. What could possibly go wrong? I measured myself with one of those metal contractor's measuring tapes because I couldn't find the nice soft squishy one. Then, I took my own measurements. I even went back and double checked the measurements a second time. When one of the measurements was off by about five inches, I triple checked the numbers. Like I said, what could possibly go wrong? When the dress arrived, I was terrified to say the very least. I unpacked the dress and the front of it looked just like I'd expected it to minus the blinged out bow on the front. Oh well. What's a little extra bling? But, the back? Yikes. Somehow, I neglected to realize that the back of the dress had a huge cut out. The cut out is perfectly centered and reveals that back fat that looks like a butt crack if you look from the side. (Yeah, I've put some thought into this). Anyway, the bottom line was that there was no way a regular over the should boulder holder would work with this creation. I guess that problem was minimal, though. It was quite possible that the dress might have arrived and looked like something for a Barbie without back fat. So, I set off on a journey to figure out what the appropriate undergarment would be for this dress. I talked to some friends. (It's always good to talk to the girls when you're dealing with trying to corral the girls). They sent me to the land of Victoria's Secret. I didn't dare actually go to the store with the kids in tow. Can you imagine Annie running around the racks of unmentionables? I'm sure her antics would have been enough to make Victoria give up her secret. Anyway, I looked through their website and found this very special bra that I'd been referred to. That darn thing cost $58! Basically, the front was a bra and then instead of having a back, it had these sticky things on each side. The theory is that you'd just stick the bra to you and it would take care of the necessities in the front without showing through the hole in the back of my dress. Ugh. But, $58 for something that I would only wear for an hour? I'm way too cheap for that. My mind started going all Pinterest and Martha Stewart at the same time. What if I just cut the sides off of a regular bra and then used duct tape on the sides. I wish I was kidding. My brain really concocted this idea. Even worse? I tried it. Duct tape and skin aren't a good mix. And, the tape wouldn't stick to the sides of the bra so I ended up wrapping the tape all the way around the bra in the front too. Get the picture? (Yeah, I know everyone will need to Clorox their brains after getting the mental image). SO... I went back to the drawing board. I did what most Americans do and Googled my problem. I discovered that there's an entire industry devoted to this sort of dilemma. They actually make stickers that go THERE! Maybe this isn't news to anyone else. But, I was a mix of sheer horror and intrigue. I can just imagine Annie finding stickers like that to put on a project to give her Sunday school teacher!

 

Why do I need to buy stickers, though? I have duct tape. Oh, wait! Ouch! I'd already tried that and that didn't work so well. How about athletic tape? Dasha has this really cool tape that we use on her legs every now and then that's meant for skin and it sticks like glue until you use baby oil to get it off. Perfect.

We only had the hot pink variety. Oh well. It worked for a test run. I'm not going to go into any further detail but, let's just say that you should NOT use this tape on certain areas. (Think about nursing a baby shark and you might get the full experience).

 

Anyway, these are the sort of things that are driving me crazy right now. The unexpected hiccups and drama surrounding finalizing wedding plans is forcing me to lose focus on what's important right now. In twelve days, I'm marrying the man that I had too little faith to dream about. Who cares if my bra strap shows a bit?

 

Tonight, we met with the stringed trio who'll be playing during the ceremony. The sound of those three ladies playing the songs we'd selected was sort of like a gentle 2x4 to my soul. While there are a few things that I definitely wanted for the wedding, who cares about the rest of it. The stringed trio was on my want list along with the minister, the church, the man, and the family. Beyond that... I'm laying it all down.

 

To top off the craziness of trying to finalize plans, the kids seem to have kicked into super crazy mode. I'm trying so hard to keep my sense of humor intact and not lose it amongst the rat race. However, the harder I try to keep the convicts calm, they harder they push toward a mutiny.

 

Peek-a-boo. Look! It's a hat!

No! I don't want Curious George. I want something with words I can read!

This has been a favorite for every single Randolph child - especially once they've run off the other kids and can dominate the entire train table!

Not sure how long this took. These boxes started off FLAT and had to be folded into cute little rectangular prisms which will house cupcakes.

Stopped to get gas and realized that Polly Pocket had been decapitated and her mangled body had been laid to rest on the back bumper of the van. (I like this picture The van looks clean)!

I'm still looking for a way to trump this stunt. I have to admit that this was pretty good. I let me guard down and he got me!

I wonder what would happen if I decided to hide under a basket and pretend like I didn't exist for a few days.



   “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”
Matthew 6:25-27

 

Good night, all.

In less than two weeks...

I'm not even sure where to begin at this point. There are parts of me that seem to be in complete shock at the thought of being married in less than two weeks. Other parts of me are beginning to understand what the term Bridezilla really means! Wow! Here's the picture book recap of the last week and a half, though.

She "helped" mail the invitations by putting them into the box ONE at a time (insert Jeopardy music).

I wish I understood the world of a four year old monkey. Maybe I'd appreciate her abilities to climb in a more profound way.

My attempt at making wedding cupcakes with part of the Four Musketeers. We shall see how this pans out!

Field trip to the chapel to take some measurements and stand in awe (while waiting for Ray to make a run for it)!

And... we're back to the four year old monkey.

Grant headed off to scout camp for the week. I was terrified when I realized that I never even checked to see what he'd packed! Oops! I guess I came to grips with simply calling it a learning experience mixed with real world consequences if he'd forgotten something.

The camp was absolutely beautiful despite there being over 900 boys there! Yikes! Grant had a blast and Papa survived, as well. The closing ceremony left me with that odd Homer Simpson "DOH" face. Boy humor simply stumps me.

While Grant was away, Ray executed his Monk-like mathematical skills to build the girls Polly Pocket and LEGO Friends houses out of foam core. At about the third hour, I decided that reminding him that Polly wouldn't care if the load bearing wall wasn't exactly perpendicular to the other walls was pointless. He gets an A+ for patience and trying to incorporates each girl's requests into the houses, though!

While packing Grant's care package for camp, we decided that it would be a great idea to make marshmallow shooters to send to him. (We could have made 10 guns for the price it would have cost to buy one)!

The girls got involved and turned out to be pretty good marksmen! Note to others undertaking this task - Do not use fresh marshmallows! They stick to anything and everything! Stale puffs might hurt more when they smack you in the face but the clean up is much easier!

When Grant returned from camp, he quickly found the extra PVC pipe and started constructing weapons of mass destruction.

Just because she's wearing a girly Strawberry Shortcake costume doesn't mean that she can't shoot your eye out!

Ray bought Dasha a special necklace for their dance with the FOCUS group (special needs kids).

A game of Blackjack quickly morphed into Go Fish when Annie crashed the party - literally!

I know I'm keeping everything pretty surface level right now. Why? Well... I've been in overdrive now for a couple of weeks and I just haven't had time to get everything sorted into neat little boxes which can be opened one at a time and presented for public viewing. Right now, the floor of my brain looks sort of like Annie's bedroom floor. While the Barbies are generally contained to one corner of the room and the LEGOS are contained to another (to keep our feet safe), to an outsider, it would look like a tornado went through. There have been a few boxes that I found it imperative to sort through, though, before I could move ahead. Here those boxes are in no particular order...

Box #1 - Control    There were tons of things in this box that I had to sort out. Basically, this box originated when I realized that I did not think it meant what I thought it meant. Oh, wait. That's Princess Bride. Hmmm.... Obviously, that got into the wrong box. See? I'm still uncomfortable with this so I'm trying desperately to make a joke out of it. Anyway, I can easily admit to being a control freak. If I can't be in control, I want to take my ball and go home. I can let others be in control but only if I deem them sane and competent. Over the last three years, my control freakism has sort of spiraled out of control. (Can your control issues actually spiral out of control)? From micromanaging the house, the finances, and even the kids, to cutting off trust with others, it all sort of walled me in socially and emotionally. I had to come to a point where I could let go. I didn't have any question that He had my back, but it was those earthly sort of creatures that I had the hard time with. Little by little, I've had to reset my own expectations of myself and others so that there was room for grace to sweep in. Are people going to do stupid things to lose my trust and make me scramble for control again? Absolutely! I'm beating around the bush. Let's just put this out in black and white. The issue is control in a relationship and more specifically, in a marriage. My safety net has been the ability to maintain control. If I'm in control, I can protect myself from hurt and disappointment a whole lot easier. However, I'm also missing out on a lot of blessings, as well, with this mentality. Ray is quite aware of this struggle and routinely reminds me that he will continue to stand beside me (not in front of me or behind me) and will work through this with me. Marriage doesn't mean that I'm losing control (ok, this wedding planning might just push me over the edge into that category, though). It means that I have someone to share the control with. Someone I can lean into without fear of being disappointed (or left). OK. Well, that was more real that I had really intended to put out for public viewing but, I guess you need to know what's really rattling around in this box.

Box #2 - Dreams   This box was really tattered and torn. All of the dreams that I'd had for my own life and the kids' lives sort of dissipated after the divorce. There wasn't a whole lot of room for the frivolity of dreams. Life became nothing more than an act of survival. Things I'd always dreamed of doing with the kids vaporized due to limitations on my time and finances. Things I'd always dreamed of doing "when I grew up" became nothing more than ghostly whispers that taunted me in those moments of desperation. Over the last few months, I've suddenly realized that those tattered, torn, and dim dreams which I'd filed away in box #2 were actually beginning to rekindle. Simply having the energy to dream and "what if" is exhilarating. Even if some of the things filed in this box are simply pipe-dreams, they are still dreams.

Box #3 - Independence   This box was stacked directly on top of box #1. Over the last three years, I've become quite independent. The thought of marriage terrified me. Would I lose that independence? The idea of marriage was great, but the reality... crap. That scared me. Honestly? It still scares me a bit at times. I like control and with that control, I like my independence. Until three years ago, I didn't even know how to pay the bills or run a household. Now... ha! I'm not crazy enough to say that I have it mastered! I still routinely find myself up to my knees in quick sand. However, I can now identify the quick sand and know how to call for help. While the contents of this box have been nicely organized now, I'm pretty sure we may have to revisit the contents a few time to reorganize and examine things.

Box #4 - Trust   Ok. This box was overflowing. I did NOT want to clean this box out. It was full of hurt, disappointment, and stinkin' thinkin'. For those who've followed me on this journey, you can read between the lines here. Box 4 is about the size of a refrigerator box and will take lots of time to sort through. Ray is quite aware of this box, as well, though. In fact, when he purposed, he promised to spend the rest of our lives together proving to me that I can trust him in every area. (Ok, he's a man. I know he's going to do something ridiculous at some point, but nothing that would ever cause the same sort of trauma that was inflicted before). Like I said, this box is sort of still in a construction zone. However, we have a blueprint regarding what's in the box, and the Engineer has given us some drawings showing what the end product should like. We're going to keep working toward that goal.

That seriously sucked the last energy right out of me. Between the details of finishing up the wedding planning to bumping into these boxes every now and then, I'm ready for a vacation. Two weeks from now, I'll have one! I'm getting married. In two weeks, I'll be Mrs. Raymond Rudd. That still sounds so strange to me. I look back to that point of sitting in court in Canton and listening to lawyer after lawyer disintegrating and dissolving marriages. I clearly remember trying to reason with God and pleading for understanding. I got neither. What I did get a few days later was an incredible peace that He was in control and that I needed to turn the page and start a new chapter. Since that time, I've turned the page a couple of times and written a couple of chapters. It's time to turn the page again. However, as I start this chapter, I'll be starting it with an absolute gift from God (in addition to the three that were already present and accounted for). A man with more patience than I could ever have. Someone who interacts with the kids in a way which doesn't make them feel as if he's trying to take their Daddy's place but who will get involved and get his hands dirty in the day to day business of raising them. A man who is willing to put up with the bumps and bruises that this journey has left me (and the kids) with and who has pledged to help heal those bumps and bruises, not to simply cover them up, but to heal them with time and tender devotion. And, above all, a man who has a very personal knowledge of the One who is leading us and seeks His will in all that he does. (Truth? I also LOVE the fact that he can act absolutely ridiculous and lead a fry throwing contest, construct marshmallow shooters, dance shoeless in the kitchen, is way smarter than a 5th graders, and is content with very little). Yeah, I know that life isn't going to be all about unicorns, cotton candy, and fluffy bunnies who poop Skittles. But, whether it's bunnies pooping Skittles or Annie calling for someone to wipe her poop, I'm starting the next chapter. Ready or not, here we come! (Um, that was weird. I sort of started hearing the Laverne and Shirley theme song! Sclemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We're gonna do it! Give us any chance, we'll take it... It's time to go to bed for sure, now)!

A family is a place where principles are hammered 

and honed on the anvil of everyday living. 

~ Chuck Swindoll

Good night, all.

Happy Father's Day, 2013

Happy Father's Day, 2013

Trouble is brewing...

So, I'm smart enough to know when trouble is brewing in this house. With wedding planning and figuring out how to merge a bachelor pad with an insane asylum, things have been hectic. I thought the kids were all hanging in there, but after looking back through some photos, I'm beginning to wonder if it might be time to call in Dr. Phil AND Dr. Dobson and let them tag team the inmates!

 



She wanted to pack this to take to her Daddy's wedding. I have witnesses! I did not prompt her! I promise!!!!

 

Grant and Ray seem to make a pretty scary pair when you add a firearm to the mix.

 

This guy is the Chucky in my life. In the middle of the night, he starts whinnying and making all sorts of noises.

 

Experts all say that playing with a child reveals a lot about what they are processing. This was a play session that was nothing short of terrifying!

Annie's idea of "playing" involves her telling you what to do with the people.

My first real "Uh Oh" feeling came when she told me that the sister's bed was in the closet. Hmmm...

I think this one is quite obvious! The mama got the bed but the dad got the couch.

Before I could completely stifle my laughter from the previous picture, she slid the baby into the bed with the mama. When I asked her where the baby's bed was, she looked at me like I was nuts and just said, "She doesn't need one. She sleeps with the mama so she doesn't get lonely." Doh!

I moved the dad into the bed with the mom to sort of see what she'd do. I'll admit that at this point in the "game" I didn't know if I should continue to laugh hysterically or if I should be looking up the number for a good family counselor who couldn't be easily scarred. Annie's rebuttal to the situation was to move the kid's bed next to the big bed. Have I mentioned that Annie does NOT sleep with me on a regular basis? Translation, unless she has a fever, is puking, or wheezing, she is sentenced to her own bed!

She decided to leave the "family" as they were and moved on to getting the family's possessions ready to "move."

When moving day came, the mama and the kid seemed to be the only ones who changed locations and they did it Beverly Hillbilly style!

Once I gave up and just played along with her, she finally seated the whole family together including the dog. I'm sure there's some sort of good fodder that Dr. Dobson could tap into, though.

And, this was the final straw. I laughed so hard that my sides hurt! I didn't ask her for any dialogue on this one.

While things are definitely a little crazier than usual around here (if you can believe that), everyone is adjusting to the idea of being a family of five. There are days when I still ask Ray if he has all of his senses intact and I wonder about his sanity for his willingness to become a part of this motley crew! Whew. Believe it or not, his response continues to be that we are a blessing to HIS life and not something that is going to push him into the looney bin. I think I may need to get this statement in writing. Like I said, he is definitely an answer to prayer. In less than a month, he'll be having his senses drained from his head by the inmates.

Anyway, things are a notch above the normal level of crazy but, I think we're becoming much better at coping with the consistent inconsistancies of having enough sanity to know that we're officially insane.

For now, I guess I can't say, "Good night, all," so I'll just close by saying, "Hanging on by a thead!"

Don't judge. This is called creative scheduling - nap for her and work for me. Right? The manual doesn't say that naps should always occur in a bed!

Going to the chapel...

In an attempt to answer everyone's questions, I'm currently compiling an FAQ guide. In the meantime, here's what you need to know.

1) God's sense of humor is alive and, once again, He is getting a chuckle out of my antics. At the moment that I stopped trying to figure this thing called life out, He took over and gave me the deepest desires of my heart.

2) Laura Story's song Blessings and John Waller's song While I'm Waiting have an even more profound impact on my story these days. The blessing did come through rain drops and thank goodness I waited.

3) Yes, he is more than I could have ever imagined. This goes way beyond a glass slipper or a kiss from Prince Charming. This is the stuff that trumps even the best fairy tale. Cinderella, Belle, and Snow White don't have a clue. The only thing they might have on me right now is the ability to spontaneously burst into song and have little forest animals come to their sides.

4) "Face it girls. I'm older and I have more insurance!" (Fried Green Tomatoes) At this point in my life, I've learned a few things. Goodness knows that I sure have a lot more to learn. However, I've spent enough time on my knees crying out to know His voice and His blessings. I'm not in the middle of some sort of infatuation or rebound. For the first time in my life, my heart and my brain are in sync and I'm not compromising on a single thing. Seriously. I know that this life has storms. Remember? I seem to live smack dab in the eye of a raging hurricane. In the words of Phil Robertson, "Love don't pay the bills." While love is a wonderful thing and mushy and tingly, we all know that the world where unicorns dance (and crap Skittles), cotton candy falls from the sky, and everyone floats around singing Kum by yah just isn't reality. What we've been given is something that can withstand a four year old's whining, a 15 year old's attitude, and a 13 year old's weird boy stuff all compounded with finances, reality, and life. This is my reality now and I continue to keep my distance from Annie for fear of her pinching me and waking me up from this dream.(Can being bitten by a rogue child wake you up, too? Darn. I'll have to increase my distance from her)!

5) This wasn't as sudden as everyone thinks. Due to the glass house that I seem to live in, I felt the need to keep things under the radar until the final plans had been made. I absolutely love the support and interest that this silly blog generates but it does sort of put me in an awkward position. I don't have a clue as to the folks reading my ramblings and we all know that I don't really want any protesters showing up at the ceremony. I don't think that will happen but I have to be realistic and know that I'm not on the Top 10 Favorites list of some folks. Anyway, the ceremony will be small and for close family and a few nut jobs who've managed to prove their insanity and call themselves friends. As Ann tells Gilbert in Ann of Green Gables, "I don't want diamond sunbursts, or marble halls. I just want you." That's where we're at.

Ok. That should be enough information to keep everyone at bay for a few days. I know everyone is interested in the mystery man and I'll introduce him. For now, though, all you need to know is that he is an absolute blessing beyond belief and has answered prayers that I didn't really even have enough faith to pray.

Delight thyself also in the LORD;

and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Psalm 37:4

Good night, all.