forfeit: something to which the right is lost, as for commission of a crime or misdeed, neglect of duty, or violation of a contract.
I'm not exactly sure how this is going to turn out. I'm just giving you an honest heads-up. I have so many blog topics romping around in my head like ginormous hippos that have sprouted wings and can manage to get just enough momentum to take a flying leap. Ok. That was weird. I'm glad we got that image out there. Anyway... tomorrow will mark four months since Ray and I tied the knot and he publicly committed himself to this funny farm. Some days, I'm still in shock that I'm married. (I'll always be in shock that I'm a mom and actually responsible for other human beings). If someone had told me a year ago that I'd be livin' la vida loca with Prince Charming, I would have laughed in their face (politely, of course). I won't lie. The transition has had quite a learning curve. No. Correction. This journey has had learning booby traps. (Go ahead and laugh. I giggle on the inside every time someone says, "Booby trap!)" Yeah... this is why I work with 3rd graders! Learning to live as a married couple with three ever-present chicken nuggets is difficult. Privacy is non-existent and, despite the "Do Not Disturb" sign that Ray thieved from Best Western and hung on the door, Annie can't read so she just flings the door open with no regard for the counseling that it might take to undo what she sees! (Clorox is on aisle three if you'd like to delete that whole thought from your brain, as well). And, those conversations or explanations that would be nice to have at the onset of an issue (i.e. me getting angry because I assumed that he assumed that I'd have dinner on the table prior to his arrival) just can't be aired in an efficient manner with three kids bounding around or calling for their fanny to be wiped, homework questions regarding elements to be answered, or questions about the purpose of reading a particular boring book for lit / comp are being fired like buck shot! As I said in my previous post, the potential for explosion is exponential.
Many times, I feel like I'm being pulled in several different directions and Ray feels like he's helpless. He would absolutely do anything possible to be helpful. (This does not include using throwing knives with Grant INSIDE or having a full out WWW match in the middle of the bedroom). But, there are some things that he just doesn't feel comfortable doing yet. For example, Dasha has had several doctor's visits lately. He would have been more than happy to take her, but he didn't know how to fill out the paperwork or her medical history. It's sort of hard to fill out her birth history when we don't know it. Many doctor's will question your reason for writing UNKNOWN across that section and then you have to go into the details of adoptions. I'll admit that I've thought about telling them that child birth was so wretched that I had to be completed knocked out and I just didn't remember any of the details. But, these kinds of things are hard for Ray to step in to handle. Discipline is the other area that has been somewhat of a tightrope act. While I'd sort of gone with the mantra of survival of the fittest over the last few years, Ray would like to see the kids have some sort of behavior expectations. Don't get me wrong, I'm in complete agreement, but I created a three-headed monster with my lack of firm boundaries. Now, if you know my kids, you know that they are relatively good kids when they are in public. They know that as an educator, my kids need to look the part of well-behaved and polite children (or else). However, behind the asylum doors, they had grown accustomed to doing what they wanted, whining to get what they wanted, and basically being my equals. Ray didn't want to come in and play "bad cop." So, we had to have some time to come up with expectations and consequences. However, it was sort of like trying to draw out new plays in the play book while we were in the middle of the big game! My point? While the last four months have been incredible, there have definitely been some bumps.
One of the biggest bumps that I keep stumbling over, though, is myself. By nature, I'm a people pleaser. I've spent much of my life doing what I thought others expected of me. Most times, those expectations were never even real. Believe it or not, the lack of Ray's expectations is what has continued to stump me. I'd never really realized it, but who I thought I was had been based on others' expectations. I was a creation of the person I thought my parents wanted me to be. What Eric had wanted. What my bosses expected. And, what the church implied was right for a "good girl." I'd been stuffed so full of expectations that I'd never really figured out the real me. Now, I did get a little bit of a crash course in Me 101 after Eric left. But, what I'd done was fill the void left by his removed expectations with others' expectations. Am I making any sense to anyone? It's so hard to type out matters of the heart. On the outside, I was playing a really good game. On the inside, I was trying to figure out who I was. There were a few things that I was sure of during that crazy time - my relationship with Christ, the need to protect my kids, and the knowledge that I couldn't continue to be Superwoman.
Over the last few years, I've started figuring out who the real me is. I've done quite a bit of figuring. It's not easy to engage in self-discovery with three kids in tow. Dating is also another thing that really isn't a great thing to engage in while you are in a discovery phase. I think this is the phase that most kids go through while they are away at college and during those early adult years. I never went away for college. I went straight from living at home to being a wife, and not too long after that, a mother. I simply never went through that phase of life. I feel like I'm rambling and getting miles away from my point. My point... oh yeah, I'm still doing lots of self-discovery when it comes to being a wife. Thank goodness, Ray is also doing the same thing when it comes to being husband. We are figuring things out together.
Ok. I'm going to leave that last paragraph, although, I feel like it's part of of song, "One of these things just doesn't belong here... One of these things is doing their own thing..." For some reason, it's important to me to leave that piece of my heart on the table. So... I'll leave it there. Weird.
But, I am going to get back to the whole point of this. For years, I'd heard pastors talk about the Enemy stealing your peace. I went through a time of believing that my peace had been stolen. However, as I learn to operate on a plane without expectations from worldly influences, I realize that I forfeited my peace. It wasn't stolen. I never doubted my relationship with Christ, but I sure made the choice to step away from the promises of peace that He gave to me. I always think about the song by Scott Krippayne that talks about Him calming the storm sometimes, but other times, He calms His child. The peace was always there. For some reason, it was just easier for me to writhe my hands, worry, and forfeit my peace.
Well, that really wasn't where I'd planned to go with this rant, but... I'm learning to stop planning every single detail and leave some room for Him to work. Is that easy for me? Heck, no!
Let me wrap this up before the girls end up getting high on the Sharpie fumes that they are currently breathing. (Hey, they got all excited and started pretending to cooperate and love each other when I let them play with the Sharpies! Don't judge... At least I didn't turn the TV on... Oh, never mind. They turned it on by themselves). The point that I was trying to veer back around to was that while the last four months have held incredible bliss and a new found freedom in being a wife without worrying too much about others' expectations, there have been some moments where I've basically had to perform open heart surgery on myself while Ray and the kids stood by watching. It's so much easier to fix other people than deal with your own issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
"Why do you see the speck in your brother's eye but fail to notice the beam in your own eye?" Matthew 7:3
The mischievous side of me wonders what sorts of beams Dr. Phil might have lodged in his own eye. Geez. See? That was completed ridiculous. My ADD is kicking in and I'm having a hard time not chasing squirrels. I'm out of blogging practice!
Must. Get. To. The. Point... As I begin living a life full of knowing who I really am, my dreams for the future are becoming more vivid and I'm not fearful of the open doors that are lining the hallways. I've spent the last several years making excuses for not stepping through those open doors. Now, although it scares the stuffing out of me, I'm ready.
Marriage to Ray has been both the easiest and hardest thing that I've ever done! To fall asleep at night (after elbowing a snoring giant multiple times) in the arms of a man who loves me despite my lack of domestic skills and continues to tell me that he loves my heart and could care less about anything else, is freeing. While some of you might laugh and say, "Give it a year and the honeymoon will end." Well, go ahead and say what you want. I'll leave it at that... Marriage has also brought growing pains and recognition of many bruises, scars, and gaping wounds left from my past. However, for anyone who knows anything about medical issues (um, not me, but I'm going to pretend to be knowledgable since I slept at a Holiday Inn Express once - remember that commerical?), you know that for any wound to heal, it must be cleaned out before it can be properly bandaged. And, healing will never come to a wound that is infected. Well, it's not a walk in the park to have those wounds cleaned out. It hurts. It can be maddening. At moments, it can be so painful that you wonder if the cleansing is worth it. However, in the hands of the ultimate Healer and with my husband's gentle touch, I will continue to hold on to the peace that passes all understanding and won't forfeit it.
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
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